Walk On

Walk on

I need to refresh,
Step back, take a breath.
Return to my roots
my spiritual origins, God’s truths.

Take a moment in prayer; cast my fears behind me
give up all of my worries to the Lord Almighty
Ask God to help me
because I’m tired of fighting

Close my eyes and trust I can see,
to find my way to a path I once saw so clearly.
Cast my burden down;
this heavy pack,
a weight I’ve carried around

Raise up my head
And look life in the eye
because I haven’t quit
and I’m not ready to die

Feign assurance, although I’m not ready
Walk as if I’m sure, until my footsteps grow steady
Step by step until I become strong
because I refuse to fall...

and so I walk on.

Islam and Christianity: being caught in-between!

Lately I have been noticing a lot of.. well for lack of words :"Half muslim -half christians" - people who identify with both religions. I, too have been in that boat and know how it feels!

A well known case is Ann Holmes Redding - a muslim episcopalian minister! (Google her!)

So I thought I'd share my story of being a "half-and-half" too!

Two years ago I was almost a Muslim - insofar that I praying raka'ah and believed Mohammed to be a prophet - but had not yet 'formerly' converted (said shahada or declared myself 'muslim')
But I was pretty darn close!
I always believed the Bible's promise that those who seek the Truth shall find it. Unfortunately the seeking part is a good sight harder than I anticipated!

So why does a practising Christian start to consider Islam?
I had always had respect for Muslims. I saw among many of them the same desire to know and follow God. To me Muslims were as much our brothers and sisters as Jews are often considered to be. They had the same prophets (plus Jesus!) and many similar values and concepts.
I always felt peaceful attending Mosque. I also felt drawn to hijab (I realised later on that you don’t have to be Muslim to cover! :) But at the time I thought it was a ‘muslim thing.’)
My best friend from high school was Muslim and I would go to mosque with her family during Ramadhan, and I would pray beside them. Like Ann Holmes Redding I was first drawn to Islam through prayer.

My mother is an Indonesian teacher and has many muslim friends. As a child she would describe the sound of azzan, the call to prayer and explain how it rang out five times a day, the obligatory prayers for a Muslim.
My work with refugees/asylum seekers/human rights and a general multicultural interest brought me in contact with many arabs and muslims. At uni I met a bunch of Omanis, and soon some of my closest friends were from the Arabian gulf.
Their culture felt like home to me in a way- in many ways because it actually reinforced Christian values which are so lacking in Australian society – family, respect, etc.
My family doesn’t really drink, neither my mum or my dad (who came to Australia when he was 12) fitted typical Australian mould. For me the Australian pub/beer/footy/rock’n’roll culture always felt so foreign.
As a kid growing up in Australia any ‘churchies’ (church goers) are usually teased by other kids – I was moderately popular, but even so my friends found it weird and uncomfortable that I was Christian and part of the school prayer group.
Australian’s do not pay lip service to being Christian. We are a particularly irreverent and anti-authoritarian culture, and organised religion does not sit well with many Australians.
Friends do not understand when you explain you can’t meet for coffee Sunday morning because you have church. “Well just go next week,” or “Just skip it” are the common responses. Hanging out with friends, it would be awkward and weird to excuse yourself to take a moment to pray.
I love the fact that with my muslim friends I could say, “I’m just going to go pray for a moment.”
For them religious observance, or at the very least belief in God was taken for granted. Now this has its own pros and cons, but that’s another topic.
I think I also like saying salaams, subhan Allah, mash’Allah, insha’Allah* etc: recognising God in everyday life.
I think Islam also appealed because Christianity often focuses on the warm and fuzzy: with Jesus’ death breaching the gap caused by sin between God and mankind, we focus on the New Testament God as loving Father: close, accessible and having a personal relationship. However what makes all this possible and so amazing are His other characteristics! Almighty Sovereign, Holiest of Judges, His hatred of sin – read the Old Testament and we soon remember this!
To quote Narnia, in which Aslan the lion symbolises God: “He isn’t a tame lion!”

In uni the discussion of Islam changed a little. Muslim friends peppered me with powerpoint presentations of the scientific miracles of the Quran, Ahmed Deedat videos and debates by Muslim apologists. I read the Quran. I fasted Ramdhan (three years in a row!)
I listened to Muslim songs and felt touched by their fervent reverence and love for God. Sami Yusuf’s song and video “Asma’u Allah” (Names of God) brought me to tears. I sang along and ignored the parts praying for Mohammed. I lived in two worlds: Muslim and Christian.

It was when I moved to Germany for 6 months that things geared up. I reached the point where I was ready to accept the possibility of Islam being true. As far as I was concerned this was crunch time. I told only two close Muslim friends back home, and barraged them with questions. I emailed my mother and told her she should be prepared that I might return a Muslim.
And yet I was torn. I prayed, I begged. I read the Bible and Quran. I prayed raka’ah and the Lord’s prayer.
Really I had already made up my mind that I wanted to be Muslim. But my belief in the Truth wouldn’t allow me to convert without complete certainty and absolute conviction. And try as I might there were still little things niggling away. For months I wandered no-mans-land.

The crucifixion was a huge issue. The Islamic explanations just didn’t gel. The common interpretation is that Judas was crucified in the place of Jesus.
My major problem with this idea: God had modified Judas to look like Jesus, allowed/caused him to be crucified, knowing that thousands of people would believe Jesus had been crucified. Knowing that lies would be spread that Jesus had died and come alive again. Knowing this very point would form the foundation of the biggest religion in decades to come. That today millions, if not billions of people would be flowing a lie because of what had essentially been deception. Because after all if I took someone and gave them plastic surgery to absolutely resemble you, and then in front of many witnesses, including friends and family – executed you, causing your friends and family to believe you are dead: is that not deception? Am I not deceiving those people and causing them to believe a falsehood?
I felt none of the explanations were satisfactory.

I decided that this key point: Jesus’ crucifixion, meant that I was not, and could not be Muslim.

But I wasn’t a satisfied Christian!
I returned to Australia.
Attending church I cringed at the frequent use of Jesus’ name and constant focus on Jesus: where was God I wondered? I hated the word “trinity” and flinched when I heard Jesus described as “the Son of God.”
In hindsight, growing up I had probably never thought about the trinity much or the concept of Jesus divinity and humanity- it is constantly called a “mystery” and far too many Christians find it to hard to think about in depth and so just ignore it. Or use simple analogies of eggs without really understanding what we are saying.

So I started out simple: Is Jesus divine? I knew the scriptures and had seen/read many Muslim analysis of the New Testament stating that Jesus did not actually claim to be divine.
Here are just a few on the verses I found relevant:

John 17:5 “and now, Father, glorify me in your prescence with the glory I had with you before the world began.”
John 14:9 “Anyone who has seen me has seen the father.”

Jesus’ “I AM statements”:
I am the bread of life (Jhn 6.35)
I am the light of the world (Jhn 8.12)
I am the good shepherd/gate for the sheep (Jhn 10.7)
I am the resurrection and the life (Jhn 11.25)
I am the way, the truth and the life (Jhn 14.6)
I am the true vine (Jhn 15.1)

John 8:58 “before Abraham was born, I AM.”
Beyond the fact that Jesus is claiming to have existed before Abraham is the fact the Jews and religious leaders interpreted this as claiming to be God (blasphemy) due to God calling Himself “I AM” in the Old Testament.

Also interesting was the fact Jesus:
• Passed judgement (John 5:22)
• Forgave sins (Mark 2:5-22)
• Allowed people to worship him and call him God

I find John 5:19 especially interesting: “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing without by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son does also.”
If Jesus does everything God does, and nothing that God does not – then how is Jesus separate/not God?

I came to believe that the Bible shows that Jesus is God, or at least claimed to be God (no this is not the same as “son of God.”)
At the same time Jesus is also shown to be human, and a “Son of Man” as he frequently calls himself. Muslims often highlight that Jesus prayed (e.g Matthew 26:39) and worshipped God. He also stated that “By myself I can do nothing.”

So why did Jesus pray to God? Why did he worship him? And why (as a man) was he powerless?
I think this hinges on the concept that Jesus was both man and God. In essence he had a ‘human nature’ and a ‘divine nature.’ As such his human nature was inferior and subject to God and the divine nature. So as a Son of MAN he paid homage to the Divine.

Philipians 2:1-11 says Jesus “did not grasp equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very (form of) a servant.”
Hebrews 1 also mentions this.

This concept of Jesus having a human and divine nature- sounds like a schizophrenic person, right! Or personality disorder!

The fact is Jesus as God and Man is inconceivable. Jesus and God “the Father” (another term I dislike) as being one God is also very difficult.
I came to realise that for me Jesus’ divinity is only one of the many things about God that is impossible to fully understand. It is the same as eternity. Or the concept of omnipotence, or omniscience. As soon we ponder these concepts our minds boggle- it is the same as the concept of a fourth dimension in space. Or black holes, antimatter, parallel universe or time travel (which is theoretically possible) and other scientific theories, many of which are understood to be true or ‘fact’ but not ‘representable’.
These things are hard to conceptualise simply because it is not possible in our human world. But then God is above and beyond human limitations. In a world where everything , when you go back far enough, has a beginning, and everything is finite, God is without beginning or end!! He is infinite!
As I came to these conclusions over many months I was slowly building up my beliefs – out of ‘proof,’ certainty and severe questioning. Even then I would rigorously test Christian claims, always playing the devils advocate and doubting everything.

By then I was convinced that a) Jesus was crucified and b)Jesus was God.

However to further strengthen both of these ideas I started to really look into the Bible. Islam claims t has been changed/modified/corrupted over time, something I too had accepted at one point.
I won’t go into this in great detail but suffice to say historians support the Bible as a historical source and Jesus’ crucifixion.
The Old Testament is considered highly scared by Jews, and the copying/transmission of the Torah/Tanakh was guarded closely. There are numerous Old Testament prophecies about Jesus, his resurrection and his birth. Many of these were found in the Qurum scrolls. Some scrolls dated 100 years before Jesus was born, which negates any allegation prophecies had been inserted afterward. Secondly why would the Jews (who did not believe Jesus was the Messiah, modify or insert messianic prophecies to support him?
The scrolls also showed how modern versions of the Old Testament were highly accurate.
As for the New Testament: Historical sources (Josephus, Tacitus, ancient letters etc) support the story of Jesus’ crucifixion (or someone who was believed to be him), they state that he claimed to be God and his followers believed him to be such.
The New Testament is the most corroborated of any ancient text in the world. Historian’s measure this by time elapsed between the originals and the earliest known copies and number of copies, and the New Testament beats all other writings (such as Caesars writings, Plato and other ‘accepted’ historical writings) on all counts.
What’s more early Christians (such as Clement of Rome) quoted the gospels in their letters, many of which survive today. These scripture quoted in these letters (written in the same lifetime as Gospels) is the same as we have today.

Lastly, there is logic:
Many, if not most, of the disciples and biblical writers were martyred for their beliefs. If they were lying then why would they dye to support a lie?
If the Bible was corrupted/modified (either New or Old testament) would the Jews and Christians not say something? I’m not saying over the centuries a word hasn’t been changed , but if new doctrines were introduced or facts changed significantly people would notice!
Gospels were written at different times, by different people and yet match each other. The gospels were circulated among early Christians who did not contradict or say they were false.

So what does this leave me: A Christian I guess.
Back to where I started in many ways – but I often feel almost like a Muslim who converted to Christianity! After all there was a time I doubted the crucifixion, doubted the veracity of the Bible, doubted that Jesus was God, believed he was only a prophet and believed Mohammed was a prophet.
Having tried to discredit my own religion time and time again I found that it withstood all testing. That it emerged as Truth. It is on this basis that I believe.

Lastly, where does that leave Islam for me?

I have never set out to ‘disprove’ Islam. In many ways it is not possible. There is nothing to corrobate historically – Mohammed’s biography is known and accepted, and really it not relevant to proving or disproving the Quran. Most people would agree the Quran has not been changed either. The challenges levelled at the Bible so not apply to the Quran.

The only question about Islam is, was the Quran the direct message of God?
Because Christianity stand every test then I came to conclude the Quran cannot be God’s message. They contradict too much, not least over Jesus’ death and resurrection.
Salvation is vastly different in Christianity and Islam.
In Islam salvation is based on your good deeds. To me the judgement always seemed a bit arbitrary.
If we take the view that we are all sinful and God is indeed holy, and hates sin, then I find it hard to accept that such a holy judge would “overlook” sin when judging us.
It is like a murder/criminal being let off because he gives money to charity and is kind to animals. Even if he does many good deeds, the honest Judge will not overlook his crimes. I do not believe sin is cancelled out by good deeds.

So then why does Islam appeal so much? And what about the miracles of the Quran?
I think I mentioned why Islam appeals earlier on in this post. It is in many ways like Judaism – I think it strikes a chord with its focus of piousness and reverent view of God. For many western Christians we see Muslims as maintaining moral standards westerners have lost. The ritual nature of Islam appeals to human nature- it feels tangible. I think as humans we gravitate to habits and rituals too. I mentioned I was drawn to hijab. But I don’t have to be Muslim to cover. Covering has origins much older than Islam. I don’t have to be Muslim to abstain from alcohol or fast. These too have far older origins. For many westerners there is also a strong cultural attraction.
Islam also has a lot of truth in it – I don’t think so many people would follow it if it didn’t. The Quran includes ayat* similar to verses in the Bible, and even hadith* similar to the Talmud. The belief of tawhid*, despite Jesus’ Christianity is still central to all Abrahamic faith: “Shema Yisrael Adonia Eloihenu Adonai Echad*” (Hear Oh Israel the Lord your God is One Lord)

Learning about Islam comes as a shock to many Christians because most western Christians, who know little about Islam, have the general idea of Islam as a blasphemous ungodly religion based on a evil false prophet, whom many also label a paedophile. Haram!

Most people who have really studied Islam will realise this is not the case. I saw that Mohammed was a man who lived a moral life and was not a liar or deceiver. I saw the Quran honoured God in many ways and agreed with the Bible in many ways. I saw that there were ‘signs’ within the Quran which was recited by an illiterate man. These are the things which made me turn to Islam.

I cannot explain everything away. I do not believe Mohammed was a prophet of God but I do not believe he lied and forged a religion. I think he was misled for the Bible tells us Satan can appear like “an angel of light.” I think he honestly believed it was the angel Gabriel who appeared to him, and God revealing the Quran. In regards to the miracles contained in the Quran, the Bible also tells us that it was not only God’s prophets who are able to perform great signs and miracles. The N.T tells us ‘false prohets’ will do great wonders and the magicians in Pharoah’s court were able to do many of the same miracles as Moses. Indeed other religions also contain prophecies and signs within their holy scriptures – in which case if this were the only consideration that would all be proved ‘true.'

This is what I have found, over a period of a year and a half or more. God's promise that if you seek the truth you shall find it proved true. But the secret is to search for the truth without agenda or bias, which is surprisingly hard! Too often we search to validate what we want the truth to be.

I hope noone, whatever religion is offended by this post. It is merely an account of my journery and what I believe to be the truth, but I understand if you disagree, you are perfectly entitled to do so! :)

Even if you disagree, feel free to make your own comments!

peace and blessings!

Salaams (salaam alaykum) = peace by upon you
Subhan’Allah = means God is glorious, but literally means God is void, from the Quranic 'God is void of all evil.' Mash’Allah = Literally means ‘God has willed it’ and is used to exclaim praise.
Insh’Allah = God willing

Ayat= verses in the Quran
Hadith = sayings of Mohammed
Tawhid = the concept of ‘oneness’ of God – la illaha ilallah (that there is no God but God)
shema = ‘The Shema’ – commandment made in Deut 6:4

(in)visible God?

I feel you beside me,
Invisible, I cant see
You. But You are there,
from the happiest moments,
to the depths of my despair.

I feel you behind me,
Invisible, I can’t see
You standing firm and tall.
Strong enough to bear my burdens,
ready to catch me as I fall

I feel you accompany me,
Invisible, I can’t see
You follow when I turn away.
Knowing I’ll come back
waiting for me to seek you again

I feel you embrace me,
Invisible, I can’t see
Your arms, But I feel their warmth.
Comforting me when I cry,
sheltering me from the storm.

I feel you speak to me,
Invisible, I can’t see
You talk. But I hear your voice.
As we walk I hear you whisper,
guiding me to the right choice

I feel you love me,
Invisible, I can’t see
You, like gravity or air
(How do I know you exist?)
There is no life without you,
That is how I know you’re there.

Christian hijab & head covering - how to explain it?!

Well boys and girls, today i have 'hijab on the brain'.. or rather around it *groan* bad joke..

I recently found a whole sleuth of mostly Christian hijabis and even niqabis on blogs! Here are some of them:

Heather @ Non-Muslim Niqabi
Amber @ Little Steps Home

Stacy @ Layla Land

Sanil @ Barei Lev

Wow it really is mind-blowing to think that there are so many! I think of my scarf more as head covering than hijab, partly to differentiate to my muslim friends although i’m sure they all refer to me as “muhajaba” (someone who wears hijab) between themselves.

While covering for the Christian faith has a whole new dimension and is immensely encouraging, I always cheer on the non-Christian hijab/head coverers as well, mostly because I think it takes guts. And I believe it is the height of feminism (although I don’t consider myself a feminist) to wear what you want just because you want to!! Isn’t that freedom ladies?! I really believe even if I didn’t have religious reasons for covering, I should be able to simply because I like it! It makes me happy!

I generally don’t wear a hijab style but sometimes (not when it’s hot!!) I just want to swathe myself in material! Especially soft soft pretty scarves! Sadly, more often than not I don’t, unless i’m chilling at a muslim girlfriends house or at home, in the Middle east or somewhere random.
Maybe I’m too worried about people thinking I’m Muslim or that I’m a half-muslim Christian! The reason is I’m so proud of my faith and I want to be a witness for Christ! I also don’t want people to misunderstand my reasons for covering. . I think I’ve forgotten to mention my other reason, when I explain the biblical and religion reasons: because I just want to!!

I’ve never been able to master the two-minute answer to “why do you wear that on your head?” especially to aetheists/random aussies who I don’t know well. What do you head covering ladies say? What is the “quick answer?” (it’s especially hard for non-muslim coverers!!)

Generally Christian reasons are as follows:
- Head covering in prayer
- Modesty (especially for married women)
- An outer sign of faith and modesty

Have I missed any? Do any of you ladies have any other reasons??

Of course there are times when I don’t want to, or I feel an urge to dress up sexy with my hair all done and looking great! And it is during these times especially that my religious reasons are important.

I’ll be honest (and a little boastful) - since I was a kid my aunties, and various people would tell me I have nice hair. At the moment its quite long too. Don’t get me wrong there are times when I have horrible hair and I think it’s hideous! But sometimes it looks great and I just wish I could show it off! And yet when women see my hair on the odd occasion and say “oh you have such pretty hair” I feel shy, rather than boastful, and feel more convicted to cover. hmmmm

Sometimes when I’m getting ready, say for a dinner, a wedding etc and I’m already and my head cover is the last thing to go on, I think, “Is this ridiculous?” or “what’s the big deal? It’s just hair, I should leave it off!” More often than not my face will look nicer with my hair out! Or I think, what is the purpose of dressing up, trying to look nice, if I’m covering my hair?

Lately I have relaxed a little- before I would always cover my hair around men. But there are some situations when I felt it was silly to cover.
Like when a family friend would drop by and I would walk into the room unaware. Or to answer the door to a man. Or go out to collect the mail and have a male neighbour strike up a conversation over the fence.
Rushing out of the room to grab a head covering or quickly pulling something over my head just doesn’t work. Where possible I will make sure I am covered, but in this situation worrying that a man had seen my hair seemed over the top. It’s not a sin (as far as I’m concerned) and acting as if he has just seen you starkers only makes the situation tense and uncomfortable! Not to mention many of these people have known me my whole life!

Likewise swimming at the beach with a head cover just didn’t work. I have lost countless bandanas that way. I wear shorts/tshirt and keep it as modest as possible – but I just had to accept that beach dress has to differ due to practicalities.
Also whenever I am in an awkward situation (eg trying to keep all covered up at the beach ) I feel I attract MORE attention. What would be accepted as normal and not given a second glance by friends or family suddenly becomes a big deal when I act as though seeing my hair or knees is like seeing me in a bikini. Do you know what I mean? It reminds me of the ultra-conservative nations like Saudi-arabia cause even hands/ankles to become sexualised.

I have been thinking I will probably become a little bit more steady in covering when I am married – I feel like then it gives more gravity to reasons of modesty, and people seem to understand the concept of modesty better when you are married.

just some thoughts.. what say you ladies (or gents!)

P.S As I was writing this I noticed a post on the Barei Lev blog talking about this very thing, titled "Looking Like a Muslim" - it's a great post with some equally great comments.. and I think is going to inspire me to be more bold in wearing WHAT I want WHERE I want!

I'll let you know how it goes!

Much love, Pamela