A Love Letter

Happy Easter beloved,
May God bless and guide you all!

This is just a poem I wrote some time ago;

A Love Letter

That flutter of panic,
as anxiety races to fear,
clutching at straws;
Something is missing
Something that should be here

A feeling so strong
it’s compelling
Recognition:
that feeling I feel

is longing

More than missing
Gone further than away
who are You? where are You?
An ache that takes hold
Now that i’ve noticed it won’t go away

A fervour, a fever,
call it obsession
that clamours at my soul.
Whatever consumes me, it’s taken possession
and I no longer feel whole

But how do I find you?
I pick up my phone to call
in vain: I don’t know your number
your face, your name
And yet, how does a stranger enthrall?

I need you, I love you;
Those age-old words.
Yesterday they sounded trite
I can’t breathe without you, I’ll die without you;
Today they simply sound right

More than love, more than I miss you
without You I am missing.
No longer one, not half, not even one part
blended together (two became one)
my Alpha, my Omega; my heart

A distant song
a sound that caused my soul to sigh;
hauntingly familiar,
tauntingly close,
An echo from the beginning of time.

Unaware I was incomplete,
the confusion of missing,
without knowing what was gone.

Now that I know you
I am bound tighter than at birth.
There is no return
to life without You,
the gravity holding me to earth.

What is a head cover??

Hello loved ones,

Today I'd blog on head coverings... Once I decided on the why/when of covering, I had to address the "what" - namely, what should I wear?! (Here I turned to the internet covering-community!)
Head covering can range from amish-style bonnets, head wraps, lace doilies, veils, hijab-style wraps, hats, mantillas, bandanas and more!
As head covering is not related to any particular denomination for me I have experimented with different styles. Usually I do cover all or almost all of my hair, so I don't wear less covering styles. Sometimes I wear large bandanas which show more of my hair.
Otherwise I head head wraps (the easiest style), square scarves (esp. silk) tied under my chin in an italian/russian style or tied to the side like a more modern eastern european style. I sometimes wear beanies/berrets and long rectangle scarves in a range of styles, occiasonally in a hijabi style, or over my head with an end tossed loosely over my shoulder.

Also any sisters who are interested in modest fashionable dress here are a list of sites of some clothing websites and also (my favourite) some fashion blogs, the best of which is a blog called 'hijabstyle.'

Peace, mercy and grace be with you all

some great fashion sites:

http://hijabstyle.blogspot.com/ (This girl is a 19 yr/old Muslim medical student: who has been asked to write articles on modest fashion in The Guardian, as well as websites.. her outfits are AMAZING.. and easily adjustable)
http://hegab-rehab.blogspot.com/
http://www.polyvore.com/evening_wear_for_hijab/set?id=5864913
http://rodan657.ro.funpic.de/
http://silkreveries.blogspot.com/2007/05/classic-headscarf.html

Clothes & scarves online – use them to ‘shop’ for ideas as well as actual clothes!
http://www.justlongshirts.com/
http://www.losve.com/
http://www.missselfridge.com/
http://www.headcovers.com/scarves/head-scarves/
http://www.coveryourhair.com/
http://www.funkyfrum.com/
http://www.tznius.com/
http://www.shukr.co.uk/
http://thehijabshop.co.uk/
http://www.taakhi.co.uk/ - I love the ‘accessories’ section –amazing brooches/pins!

When He just won’t let us go...

This happened just this week. After a day of hard work and getting (lots!) of study done I went home from university late, checking my diary for tomorrow’s plans before bed. A couple of weeks earlier the International Office at university emailed me, asking me to help out at their stall promoting international exchange (having had studied in Germany.)They asked for volunteers and said if anyone was available to send details of their availability and they would reply with more details. I had written in my diary and had a vague idea it was coming up.

The next morning I woke up in that mood which can only be described as expectation. It was one of those days where everything is possible; the air crackles with the excitement of possibility! I felt so focused. This was it I was going to study like never before, get some chores done and have such a fruitful day! The only problem was that I had no classes and the only thing I had to do was go to uni to help out with the International office stall. Now my uni is 1 ¼ hrs away from homes, so up to 3 hours travel there and back. And even helping out for a couple of hours or so was going to take up a sizeable chunk of my day. As I got ready did a few small things, I realised that they office had never emailed me back (as promised! I thought indignantly.) and I had just assumed the stall would be held on the Oak Lawn, a common place for advertising and holding stalls for clubs and societies. However it could be held in a lecture room or in any number of places.. The idea occurred to me that I could go to uni, only to wander around without knowing where the information day/stall was and end up going home! I tried ringing the office several times (no answer) and rechecked my email (no reply.) By this time I had already procrastinated for a while and the clock hand was edging toward midday. They also usually have enough people for these sort of things and there is a not lot of interest... a few leaflets to hand out, the odd question or two and that’s it; they wouldn’t miss me.
BUT...
That little voice nagged, somewhere in my head: Yes but you did SAY that you’d come down. You didn’t promise but what’s the difference between saying you’re going to do something and swearing to it. You always say you stick to your word. And as a Christian if you say you’re going to do something you have to do it! Arrgghhhhhhh! I raged back and forth in my head, (This is NOT FAIR God! Why are you making me do this? It’s not as if I want to slack off and go watch movies! I’m trying to study! I have so much work to do for uni! And I want to do chores around the house so Mum won’t to do anything when she gets home. I have GOOD intentions! )I made and unmade my mind 10 or 20 times! (That’s it I’m staying home, It’s already late it will take my whole day If I go and they don’t even need me!)
But as soon as I started trying to wiggle out of going I felt God’s grace leave me. My beautiful fresh day became stale.. and my peace of mind was replaced with turmoil and discontent. I knew my day would be ruined and I wouldn’t be able to study peacefully. Still swinging wildy between the devil on my shoulder, and the angel on the other I walked to the train station. As I waited on the platform (8 minutes until the train comes, I could be home in three, and stop wasting time!), work rang.
Now I hadn’t worked for two weeks and really needed the money, and they were offering me a shift that night! I felt as if God had just upped the stakes! However the timing was such that by the time I got home, I would have to get ready and leave for work. Scrap any ideas of getting study/housework done. The worst part is that work is close to uni, so by leaving uni to come home and then go to work I would be backtracking and wasting more time. (Now if I went home now, I could study get my chores done and go directly to work!) I told them I would take the shift. Now I had to decide to go to uni or stay home. As I sat, utterly conflcited and praying, an Indian guy sat next to me, “Are you Egyptian?” I turned around, “What?” “You look Egyptian, where are you from?” “Um no I’m Australia.” (I’m praying why does someone have to interrupt me now?! WHY do the weirdos and people who always want to talk hone in on me? WHY can’t they leave me in peace like everyone else.) “Are you going to study or to work?” “Study” (Doesn’t he get that I don’t want to talk?! Tap. Tap...What? Ahem.. Pamela what is the point of praying about doing the right thing if you’re going to be unchristian toward this man. Now now, stop being irritable and be nice. Yes, even if he is annoying! Oh ok, fine!) I chatted with the Indian guy for a couple minutes when the train came... Distracted I didn’t have time to think or make up my mind. I got on.
And that was it. It was too late to change my mind again. I rang work to say I wouldn’t do the shift.
As I got off in the city, where the line terminates, a scruffy looking bum was trying to hand the people in front of me something as they got off the train. They all shook their heads no, and I felt sorry for him so as I passed him I took the small pink speckled piece of paper from his hand and ambled off. I unfolded it to read the message, “Jesus Loves You. Read Psalm 23 & 91, Chpt 16 John”
Oh the irony! After I battled all morning with temptation and finally and somewhat grudgingly submitted to God’s will, He sweetly tells me “I love you!” Talk about heaping coals! It reminded me of my mother who when I am complaining or grumpy about something, hugs me around my middle (when she knows I’m grumpy and don’t want to be hugged) and says, “I Love you” with a grin on her face that just makes me laugh at myself and dispels the cloud over my head. What a marvellous sense of humour God has!

Lesson #1: The right choices are not always easy. Satan knows how to make the wrong choice seem appealing, and easy to justify. (It’s not as if I want to slack off and go watch movies! I’m trying to study! I have so much work to do for uni! And I want to do chores around the house so Mum won’t to do anything when she gets home. I have GOOD intentions!)It’s easy to fool ourselves into believing our excuses. But deep down God always lays His truth on our hearts.

Lesson #2: As Christians God holds us to a higher standard. (That little voice which says: You don’t have to go. But as a Christian you said you were going to do something... so you should do it.)

Lesson #3: Trials and conflict serve many purposes: They give Satan a chance to trick us, and to get us to do the wrong thing. They are a test, which gives us a chance to earn God’s blessings and make Him proud by showing Satan we are His children. They are an opportunity, which allows us to learn more about God and ourselves.

Lesson #4: God had a sense of humour, which comes from joy. Sometimes, when you least expect it, you find yourself laughing along with Him at a shared joke, just between the two of you. It is the best feeling in the world.

Pride, fashion and dancing the fine line

I actually wrote this post early January and then my computer froze up, crashed and I thought I had lost this post (after spending ages writing it!) Due to my forays into the blog "settings" I just realised it saved... so here it is, several months later!Happy New Years all! May God bless, guide and protest you all throughout 2009!Well I have been drifting in between extremes of lazyness and frantic bouts of activity since Christmas!My parents renovated our house this year, adding a bathroom, toilet, bedroom (mine!) and living room area.. it was sorely needed as our house is very small, and nowdays the "children" (myself, and 18 & 15 yr/old brothers) are no longer small! Cleaning, painting, tidying and a myriad of other small jobs have been slowly taking place, but now that the new year is underway and here downunder it is the long summer holidays, it's taking momentum!New Years Eve presented a challenge to me. Perhaps the biggest difficulty of my "change in lifestyle" has been to my social life. Actually it has been a slow period of change that got revved up a little by me headcovering this year.Around a year and a half a go I stopped drinking. I don't think I have ever been a heavy drinker, although teen partying and clubbing did sometimes see me a little worse for wear. Heavily tipsy seemed my limit as opposed to raving drunk. But nonethless this is NOT what God wants for our bodies. Having a lot of Muslim friends who are teetotal, they often asked me why it is alcohol is not forbidden in our religion, and why so many Christians drink. In our circle of friends, comprised of almost all religions and levels of religious observance there is an unspoken rule that we do not judge or condemn one another even if we disagree. Some people drink, some people smoke up the occaisonal joint, and some people are strictly against all of these things.But when I faced myself honestly, even if I only had ONE drink... what were my reasons? There were yummier (and cheaper) non-alcoholic drinks to be bought.. If I was honest I liked the feeling of being tipsy and also it was the social norm (Australians tend to be quite heavy drinkers.) I didn't decide to become teetotal per se.. I just didn't feel the need to have a drink when I went out and slowly stopped drinking at all. I don't feel, like Muslims do, that it is a sin to drink alcohol. I'll eat/drink something that has a small amount of alcohol in it, I just won't drink alcohol for the sake of drinking alcohol.Secondly I started clubbing a lot less (going to night clubs.) In the last year I have been maybe three times. Initially this was because myself and my best friend got tired of men trying to pick us up, buy us drinks (neither of us being drinkers), strangers coming up and dancing with us etc.. I always preferred going out with my male friends because then men kept their distance. One time after voicing my frustration to my bestie, ("I just want to have fun, I don't want to meet new people or make new friends! I'm not here to meet guys, can't they just go somewhere else!!") I realised that after all, what did I expect?! I was puttign myself in an environment where drinking, "picking up" and attracting the opposite sex was taken for granted. How could I expect people to realize I was an expection to that rule! I decided it wasn't worth the hassle and stopped clubbing so much. Luckily for me, several friends of mine are DJ's and there are always bbq's, house parties, beach parties with our large group of friends with dancing and fun.After I started covering things took on a new angle. My clothes had slowly changed over the last year or so. I am embarrassed to think of the things I used to wear a couple of years ago! Cleavage or low cut tops had long ceased to be an issue. But as I investigated the issue of covering, so too did modesty enter the scene. Changing my wardrobe has been much harder than putting a scarf over my head! I struggles with establishing what was "right."As Christians we come without a dress code (unlike Muslims who have defined strictures on headcovering and modesty; only the face and hands should be visible).So what is modesty?To me, it came to mean clothing which would not show off my body or be revealing. But even this isn't easy.. Long dresses and skirts (although they have become a more common part of my wardrobe especially with all those gorgeous maxi-dresses in season!) were not necessarily my interpretation of modesty.. long flowery dresses, or amish style bonnets were definately not my thing!!It was here that I stumbled across a problem I had in my life that I didn't even know existed!PRIDE. That word that comes before a fall, and is perhaps one of the biggest blind spots in our lives!Boy-o-boy was I unprepared for how much my pride was part of how I dressed."wow, this modesty thing is easy," was my first reaction. WRONG! Little did I know!I realised how I dress and look was ultimately governed by pride. Often when I dress myself to "look good" it is based on other people. Both men and women. To show myself off, and to send a message. "Look at me, I'm fashionable/successful/sexy/gorgeous." (Working in fashion retail didn't help!)I began to examine my motives in dressing. When I went out wearing something that showed off my figure and drew attention (from men or women).. I felt proud. Walking into the room, head held high, I was actually closing off my heart by surrounding in it pride. While clothes do not decide your attitude or change your behaviour I realised I tended to be a lot more "myself" when I dressed more modestly. The fact that giving up these sort of outfits was proving so hard was testament to the fact that I cared way too much about how I looked, and what other people thought of me.When I got back to Australia it was tough. The fact that many, if not most of my girlfriends are gorgeous and love fashion does not help. My two best friends also work in fashion and LOVE clothes. One (M) is a model and (Y) is pretty enough to be one. Y is a non-relgious Muslim, who supported my decision to cover and tried to help me find pretty and fashionable yet modest alternatives to wear when we went out. M thought I was crazy and pleaded with me not to cover my hair (It's your most beautiful feature, how can you cover it up?!) and not dress so modestly (Just wear the dress without the cardigan, it looks so much better. I don't understand why you have to dress like this now!) Satan whispered in my ear as I tried to dress, comparing my outfits to my friends, and taunting me that I would be "frumpy" from now on. No one would know how good I COULD look, if I dressed differently.At first in Germany, like many "converts" to a new lifestyle I was a little zealous. I didn't wear sleeves shorter than elbow length, or bottoms shorter than 3/4 length. After a while I relaxed and now wear short sleeves (although not sleeveless) and sometimes bottoms which are just below the knee, although usually not together. I also started spending way too much time thinking about what to wear.. These days I am somewhere in the middle. I am determined not to become a slave to modesty. All in all, I don't want my clothes to be the be all and end all. It is the dressing of my heart that is most important! I still enjoy fashion, coordinating outfits, looking nice.. so long as my look is more "pretty" than "sexy".. and my attitude is focused on my heart not my clothes.However clothing was also related to another problem: Modest dress had in turn led me to consider modest behaviour.
One quesion I am struggling with now is DANCING. This ties in with clubbing as well. I love dancing. I love music, especially Raggamuffin, dancehall, R&B, HipHop, Reggae as well as soul, jazz, latino, brazilian music, arabic, world, african (mostly swahili, rai and ethiopian) and even some electronic (like DJ Tiesto.) But for dancing purposes mostly the first four genres.. The beat of the music gets me every time.. I love dancing. And at the risk of sounding conceited.. I am good at it.
Here it gets tricky.. dancing gives me great joy, it is something I naturally love... but at the same time it can be risk for showing off. For anyone here who knows the ragga/rnb/hiphop scene.. you know how it goes.. the people who will dance in 'the circle,' the people who will get up and start dancing when everyone else is too shy, and get the whole room on their feet.. that is me.
The other tricky part is associated with modesty.. if Im careful not to wear tight clothes.. then I have to be careful about how I dance. Shaking and winding can all be.. hazardoud? At the moment my basic rules are:
I don't "grind" up against people when I'm dancing.. ill dance with guy friends in a non-sexual way
I don't dance to music in which the lyrics are rude or sexually explicit.. I just can't dance to a song where a woman is singing about "her goodies," (and half the girls are singing along.)
This is a hard one.. I'm not an athletic person, I was always shoddy at sports.. but dancing has always been 'my thing' and I love it! hmmmmm any thoughts?

Those little voices... when God whispers to you in everyday life.

Sorry for my extreme laziness... and my poor excuse for a blog! In my defence I have so much reading/writing for uni and the Students for Palestine group I help run at uni, that writing/reading is more of a chore than a release these days...
Also I find (1) as a talkative person and (2) as someone who can’t do things by halves, that in order to get my thoughts out I have to write HUGE posts. So despite the following (LONG) blog I shall endeavour to keep future posts short and sweet! Actually I think I’ll post this as a couple of posts, because I find one long blog is always off putting.. it’s easier to read when its broken up.
So the next few anecdotes are little things that have given me pause for thought over the last few months...

(What)To wear or not to wear...

A quick question for all you full time head coverers/modest dressers? What do you do for swimming? Or at the beach? I used to wear bikinis.. And I find since I changed my wardrobe a bit, people really notice it if I show more skin than usual!
It’s funny I didn’t think my change in dress was that noticeable; I don’t wear long flowery dresses or anything that looks out of the ordinary!..in fact I hardly ever wear dresses, unless its a nice maxi-dress or I’m feeling a bohemian hippy chic! My rule of thumb is modest..but pretty, fashionable, loose but not a shapeless sack or something that makes me look two times bigger than I am!
However one day I went out in jeans with a normal-length top.. a little voice was telling me “should you really be wearing that?” in the back of my head.. but I ignored it.. I like snug jeans.. theres nothing more comfortable.. but these days if my pants are tight (pretty much just my jeans), I wear a long top, or tunic that reaches at least over my bottom, or a loose white shirt belted at the waist (loving this seasons boyfriend-style fashion!). I met up with my friend M., who has only known me since I came back to Australia, and as soon as he saw me he made a comment admiring how my outfit showed off my body. (The little voice shouted “I told you so!”).. Apart from feeling acutely self-conscious for the rest of the day (Not helped by his ostentastiously looking me up and down and whistling) I was amazed to realise that yes, people (even guys) had noticed how I dress! M. Said something like, “Normally you always wear loose and longer clothing.” However although he said my outfit was “sexy” and I "should show off my body more" he also said he liked how I normally dressed. He knows why I dress that way and half off his comments were designed simply to tease me and watch me squirm with self-consciousness! I told him he wasn’t gonna see me in tight jeans again without something covering my booty!

Lesson learned: sometimes God or your
conscience (same thing I guess!) will accuse you in the strangest ways!

Lesson #2: Never under estimate
what people notice about you... Remember as Christians we put ourselves in the
limelight. People are always watching, so be careful not to think you can get
away with it when no one’s looking! (And God always is anyway
J)

Just when you think He’s not looking..

One very normal day when I was sitting on the train, feeling very normal as the train pulled into a station, a man near the doors (I was in the middle of the carriage) called out to me “Hello Princess! Hello!”

• Now I had been in my own little world, I hadn’t seen this guy, or made eye contact. The train was full (although not crowded) and I wasn’t very close to the man. He was around mid to late twenties and had the look of someone who may be either homeless, a bum, not “all there” mentally or any combination of the three. As he called out I looked up (along with everyone else on the carriage) to see he was looking at me, and in fact talking to me. He was beaming at me, and they way he said it, “Hello. Princess,” as thought I was the most beautiful thing he had seen. I was a princess. At that moment I had the feeling that God was speaking to me through this simple, honest man. Out of the mouth of babes? God was looking at me, this normal girl on this normal day, going about her normal chores.. and told me, “Beloved you are beautiful. You are a princess.”
  What could I say? I smiled back and said, “hello,” and he got off the train. As the train pulled away he waved and smiled, seemingly full of delight at seeing me, and mouthing “Bye! Bye Princess!.” Needless to say the entire carriage was quite entertained by the whole scene! I was bemused.. and then felt extremely blessed and well... beautiful. It was the best compliment I have ever had. As thought God had reached down and touched me with His hand.
  Lesson #1: Not matter how ‘invisible’ we are
  God always sees us!
  Lesson #2 : No matter
  who we are in the world.. God uses us!