Before you start reading this I should tell you all, this is a story of a Muslim converting to Christianity. If that offends you I suggest you stop reading now. I am not writing this to ‘convert people’ or Bible bash – it is simply an account of what I believe is amazing example of God’s work. As a Christian I know Christians who have become Muslims. I have heard their testimonies many times. As a Christian, yes it hurts a little and is a bit uncomfortable, but that is their choice and they have every right to share their story. And recognizing that God gave every man free will to believe as he wishes I say nothing when I hear an ex-Christian testify against Christianity.
So that said, I ask my Muslim friends to extend the same courtesy and remember the words of the Qu’ran: Sura Al Baqara (2:256) ‘la ikra fi deen’ – ‘there is no compulsion in religion’
God’s Miracle: Part 1 The Love Story
This has been in many ways the most amazing two weeks of my life.
This is a love story, a story of miracles and God. Let me explain.
S. (let’s call him ‘Habi’ as S is too short) has been a good friend for around three years – we were all part of the same ‘group.’ Habi is from one of the gulf countries and is studying here. He is from a religious but not conservative family.
Habi and I have always been able to have great conversation. Despite often not seeing one another for months conversations were always natural, comfortable and long. Last year we became closer and closer until we couldn’t pass the day without talking. He was my best friend – if anything happened, good or bad, he was the first one I wanted to tell.
Long story short, last year, on November 8 everything came to a head. My two close girlfriends had been telling me for weeks that it was clear we both had feelings for each other. I said we were just close and that we provided each other with the companionship of a couple, but without the romantic or sexual counterpart. I knew Habi had ‘liked’ me and we had kissed years ago – but since then I stopped dating, as did he. Then on November 8, when he told me he loved me and asked if we had any future together I told him I could not marry a Muslim. Even as I firmly told him we had no future I felt my heartbreaking. Even as he swallowed hard and told me whatever I decided was fine and he would always be my friend, loving me until a wonderful Christian guy came along for me, it felt so wrong. I realised then that I loved him.
For the next few days I grappled with my misgivings. The bible is clear about being unevenly yoked!
He also didn’t match the image I had of the sort of man I imagined marrying. Yet I realised he was perfect – as if he was tailor-made for me.
Despite having had two long term relationships I had never been in love. In almost three years with my ex I had never told him I loved him. Although I am quite an emotional person I never agreed with people who declared their love in every the relationship – to me this sort of fickle, easy love was cheap. It the enduring, consuming love I wanted – and for me this love was completed by giving your life, soul, mind and future over to that person.
After some time and much prayer and studying what it means to be “unequally yoked” I still didn’t feel this was an ultimatum saying “Well if he’s not Christian then forget about it.” In fact I saw it more as a matter of God sanctioning the union. I clearly felt he was telling me “wait.” So I waited for God’s answer.. and prayed and cried. What a mix of emotions and thoughts. I clearly felt I should ‘wait’ but at the same time I didn’t want to wait for something that would never come. I was also worried I could end up deluding myself, ignoring God and convincing myself that he would change or that our marriage was right. I was scared of putting Habi before God – the story of Abraham and Isaac took on new meaning. More than anything I prayed I would have the strength to give up S. if was clear that us marrying would be disobedient to God. I knew a marriage that occurred out of disobedience to God would not be blessed by Him. As time passed we had discussions about religion now and then – he even went to Arabic church with me and met a Saudi Christian family I know.
Sometimes he would make a comment which gave me so much hope and other times I felt he was no closer.
A lot went on in this time but I’ll skip ahead to Saturday the 19th of May.
It also started with a Saudi man our age who had recently become Christian. He was staying with the Saudi family I know and my family invited them all to dinner Saturday night. I wanted Habi to meet him because the Saudi guy (H) had similar views to Habi before he became Christian. They were coming for dinner on Saturday. Sunday is H’s baptism but Habi is not coming because it is ‘too much.’
Saturday 29th May – Habi is sick all day and says he probably can’t make it. He’s sounds awful. I’m disappointed and pray he will be able to make it. Dinner is fantastic and after our guests leave I quickly change and head out to my friend’s birthday party. Habi’s flatmates are there and I bring left over pudding for them. I decide to drop in on Habi on the way home. He is really crook and clearly upset. He tells me his mum, whom he adores, rang today and (correctly) guessed he is sick because he smokes cigarettes. In their culture things like this are always kept from the parents out of respect and his mother was very upset. He feels really wretched and low and tells me he is giving up. We talk about religion and I tell him how Jesus promises to give us rest from our heavy burdens. We talk a little more and then he goes to sleep.
Sunday 30th May – Habi tells me in the morning that he has made his decision: As far as he’s concerned he doesn’t care if I’m not Muslim. He tells me he wants to get married so now it is up to me. I am sooooo tempted to just say “yes” especially if he doesn’t mind the children not being Muslim but I tell him I can’t give an answer yet, which he says is fine. I am about to leave for H.’s baptism when Habi shows signs of considering coming too. I realise that if he had come to dinner (like I prayed for) he would not have attended the baptism. He asks what it will be like and insists that he has no plans of leaving Islam, and attending a baptism should not be construed as such. I assure him it will be low key and easy.
How wrong I was.
The baptism is held at a church over 30 minutes drive from Habi’s house (over an hour from my house) and we meet my mum and brother there. H and the Saudi family are there. They tell us the baptism will be held about two hours late. It seems an entire church service is being held, not just a baptismal service – it starts soon after and there is a joyous atmosphere. Moreover I feel completely at ease singing hymns and worshipping next to my Habi, who is also comfortable. However an hour and a half later the baptism has still not begun. It seems the hold-up is related to a special guest, a visiting pastor who is running late. Habi begins to feel unwell and is fatigued. My mum has to leave, as it will take an hour to get home and she has to visit her sick aunt on the way home. My youngest brother has exams tomorrow and she also needs to help him revise. She had gone to church in the morning then left straight away to make the baptism (which she ended up missing) and even then only got home at 5 or 6 at night. I tell Habi we’ll wait 15 more minutes and if the baptism has not started we will leave. 25 minutes later we have no choice but to go. The Saudi family beg us to stay but I tell the father GK, firmly, that Habi has had enough! (And to be honest so have I.)
We get home where S. visibly relaxes. He tells me that the Arabic church (who was holding the baptism) was just the same as going to Mosque. In fact the whole experience reaffirms to him that Christianity and Islam are the same. I feel terrible. I give him an Arabic bible I procured.
I drive home feeling horrible and start crying as I walk in the door. I am at a loss – why is it that this wonderful opportunity has turned into a disaster? Instead of being a witness to Habi, it has driven him further away, if anything. This is the second time I have brought Habi to church and things have ‘gone wrong.’ Furthermore it seemed like God had deliberately organised things so that Habi would come to the baptism. I ask God what is it he wants me to do? I feel he is pressing me to do something, but what? I cry out to God to share His plans with me, to show me what to do. My mum has had the same feeling all day – she decided to attend the baptism, driving an hour there and back, to show her support for H. And then didn’t even get to see him baptised! On top of that her aunt was not able to take visitors and my brother had been panicking all day and not done any productive study. Despite this she tells me that sometimes when it seems everything has gone wrong, God is still working – and one person will get something out of it, even if we are unable to see it.
Tuesday 1st June – I go over in morning. When I arrive Habi is in bed and I notice the Arabic bible I gave him is beside him in bed. I have brought my English/Arabic Qu’ran. I’m not sure why, I just felt like bringing it. I point out verses which say it is halal (permissible) for men to have sex with those their right hand possesses (slaves). Habi is shocked – he studies the Arabic and is very quiet. We discuss having four wives. Habi has always felt this is wrong. I point out the fact that Muslim apologists often highlight: In the days of Islam many men had many wives and Islams allowance of four was a limitation rather than license to go out and take more. In this sense it was a good thing. However the Qu’ran itself admits that one wife is the perfect standard. Four wives is an admirable standard for that period and for imperfect human nature. However it is also a compromise between God’s perfect standard and men’s imperfection. We also discuss “eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” Forgiveness is admirable in Islam – but not mandatory or even expected. In fact Islamic law is based on the assumption of ‘eye for an eye’. Again, this is not the standard of a perfect, holy God but the standard of imperfect, flawed men. And yet the Qu’ran is said to be God’s word.
We let the conversation drop and we both study for exams in separate rooms. I see him fetch the Quran from his bedroom later and say nothing. When I bring him juice in the study room I see he is watching a video on youtube entitled ‘Contradictions in the Qu’ran.’ He is also watching debates between Muslim and Christian scholars. Later he talks to me about ‘making a choice’ and rambles somewhat. He is clearly in conflict. He says ‘it hurts’ and talks about ‘the people’ being wrong. I realise he is beginning to consider the possibility that Islam might be wrong and the consequence is that all the people following Islam (including himself and everyone he has every known) are mistaken. I understand this internal conflict and anguish – I too went through the same thing. My heart goes out to him. I know at this stage he wants to do his own private study and doesn’t want attention. He doesn’t want to be either discouraged or encouraged – he just wants space to be objective without influence. I felt the same when I was in his position so on the most part we don’t talk about it.
Wednesday 2nd June- We study together again. Like yesterday he watches videos and debates, but this time in front of me, and more openly. We discuss what we watch and various religious issues. He is coming out of his shell a little and talking to me more openly. He is still rambling a little – saying phrases and thoughts that are racing through his head. Luckily as I know him so well and I had a similar experience I can follow what he is thinking. He talks about two ‘options’ (Christianity and Islam). He says one is ‘lazy’ but the other option ‘you don’tanything to deserve it, but it seems right.’ He is talking about law being a cop-out, replacing a real relationship with God and Christ’s salvation being so undeserved, respectively.
Thursday 3rd June– He looks distant and I ask him what he is thinking. I am flabbergasted when he says he is wondering what he would change his (surname) to if he became Christian. I don’t show the excitement and shock that is charging through me. I play it cool as we discuss alternatives. Later that day I ask him if he is looking into religion and considering Christianity for me. He tells me firmly, that this is for him and for God. That God and the truth are more important than anything. I am satisfied. He has an exam the next day and Mum and I pray for him that night, that he will do well on his exams, but also that he will have an experience with God.
Friday 4th June – Habi has an exam in the morning. He feels confident but is not prepared for the next one, which is at midday. He rings me after the first and tells me he is trying to cram for the second (in a couple of hours) and it just isn’t working. That evening (after exams) he messages me and says he is having a beer with the boys. I feel uncomfortable with him drinking as I worry it may distract him o interfere with his search for God. I still don’t know how his second exam went, he hasn’t mentioned it. Later that night he tells me that just before the second exam he prayed in Jesus’ name. I am shocked. He says not only did he do well, he knew answers he didn’t even remember studying. Most amazing, he felt God’s presence in a way he never had and this presence was with him all day. He is amazed that even when he drank alcohol this feeling never left.
I am reminded once more, how much cleverer than us God is and how we humans are such know-it-alls. Here I am thinking, ‘I wish he wouldn’t drink - what if this takes him further than God.’ Instead God used it to teach him something. Habi felt ashamed about drinking – in Islam it renders the person unclean and they are unable to pray for 40 days after drinking. Yet drinking alcohol (or being drunk in Christian doctrine) is just one of many sins – why does this particular sin render us unclean, while others do not? Jesus taught that it is not what enters the body that makes one unclean, but what comes out of the heart. Lies, deceit, greed, avarice, anger, gossip – all the sins we commit on a daily basis, all render us unclean before God.
Habi is a real paradox – one of the most ‘moral’ people I know in his sense of justice and treatment of people but a ‘bad’ Muslim in the sense of Muslim observance. And yet his failure to live up Islam was a constant source of shame to him. Feeling so shamed and lowly he would then shy from God because he felt so unworthy. It is a vicious circle. God used this opportunity to show him that a personal relationship (through Jesus’ sacrifice) with God bridges our sinfulness and uncleanness. God never leaves us nor are we barred from His presence.
I ask Habi if, as a Muslim, he felt guilty, ashamed or worried when he prayed in Jesus’ name. For a Muslim this is blasphemy and very very very serious. Every day of Habi’s life had taught him this was wrong. Yet he simply tells me, ‘It felt right. It felt natural.’
Saturday 5th June– He does to his friend M’s house (from the gulf) at night with his friends K and T. They are all Muslims. Another friend innocently asks him how his religious studies are going (unaware he is questioning Islam) and tells him he will ‘find the right path insha’allah.’ This is odd, as habi has taken great pains to ensure no one knows he is questioning Islam. This comment, made in passing, arouses the curiosity of M. M and Habi have a private conversation for some time, and Habi ends up admitting he thinks Islam may be flawed. This is a big and somewhat dangerous admission. M sits back and tells him, “Good Morning.” Habi is confused and asks what he means. M smiles and tells him, ‘Welcome to the truth. I have known for years that Islam is not true.” M shows him the same problems in Islam that GK and the Saudis had discussed with him and even further examples. M knows a lot about Islam and has been studying religion for years. For almost ten years, through his own independent study he has concluded that Islam is not right. He believes in God but is still searching. Habi is amazed that one of his closest friends has been going through the same thing he has. As they sit talking, Habi’s very good friend T sits with them and demands they include him in the conversation. They do and ANOTHER SHOCK he admits he is also disillusioned and secretly disbelieving. He tells them he once tried to tell his parents back home about his doubts and their angry reaction and demands that he never raise the subject again had led him to believe he could never tell anyone. Habi and T go to his house to continue the conversation and K joins them. K identifies as Muslim but openly admits he isn’t one. He is not religious at all and says he hates religion and says he believes there is a God/Power upstairs and that is it. So when he walks in on the obviously serious conversation, Habi shrugs him off and tells him he wouldn’t be interested, assuming K will simply make jokes and disparage religion. Surprisingly K demands he be allowed to stay and says he is always interested to learn about God. So here they stay until 5 or 6 am – three Muslim boys, lost and desperately seeking the truth. Habi earnestly tells T to read the bible.
Sunday 6th June – Saturday’s events are relayed to me on Sunday after church and I am flabbergasted. When I start crying Habi is confused, until I explain they are tears of joy and compassion for these darling boys who are struggling to find God and peace. T had been in tears the night before when he spoke to Habi. It blows my mind that three such close friends (discounting K) were all secretly coming to the same conclusion and feelings, each feeling totally alone, unaware that their brothers were in the same boat. Habi tells me that he feels Satan, God and himself are locked in a struggle in his chest– and while he feels conflicted, he knows that soon it will be only God and himself. He tells me that love is the most important thing and that everyone looks different when you love them. He was also telling this to the boys last night. I am awestruck by the wisdom and sincerity of his words and the way in which he is leading the other boys.
Mum and I pray for them all and their individual needs and particularly for T, who is a dear friend, and more anxious and fearful than the others. I pray that T will have the courage and understanding to accept the truth that deep down, he is not a Muslim, even if he only admits it to himself.
Ten minutes later I ring Habi and T is with him. T asks to speak with me and questions me on various things and then tells me ‘Islam is bad. It’s not right.’ What an answer to prayer.
T also asks how it feels to know/hear/feel God. How do we know when God is telling us something/interacting with us. Habi quietly says afterward that only someone who has never felt this would ask. Habi has also been telling T that Christianity is good, although he is still a Muslim. That night Habi tells me that the first chapter of Matthew is amazing – the detailed chronological family tree of Jesus is far superior to the lists of prophets in the Quran. He is amazed that the Quran, which is supposed to be superior and complete, has gaping holes and far less detail and information than the bible.
Once again I am humbled by God’s wisdom. When I first gave the Arabic bible to Habi I first thought where I should advise him to start.... Some Christians advise Luke is the perfect starting point for someone with no knowledge of the Bible, some ex-muslims advised that John perfectly highlighted and explained Jesus’ key precepts. And while I considered consulting people on this I decided I would simply tell him to start at the beginning of the New Testament. By Sunday he had read the first page three times – once alone, once with T and again by himself. I was a little concerned that this dry, boring start would put him off. After all, a long list of names hardly showed what the Bible and Jesus were all about. And yet this long-winded, stuffy chapter had illustrated the Bible’s historical accuracy, information and status as the Word of God.
That night as I barely allow myself to consider the possibility of Habi becoming a Christian (I have been acting entirely nonchalant and playing it cool) and catch a glimpse of the happiness that could be ours, I become a little disappointed: If Habi becomes Christian I will never know whether or not I had the power to ‘break up’ with him had God asked me to. Ever curious I want to know; Like Abraham would I have been able to put God first?
The God gently told me, ‘You have already passed this test.’ I passed it every time I cried in prayer because I was scared I would put Habi first. I passed it every time I prayed for God’s will to be done, not mine. I passed it every time I thought, ‘It will be alright, it is ok for us to marry’ or ‘I feel God has sanctioned this’ and then heard the quiet ‘No, wait’ in my head and obeyed. I passed it the day Habi told me there were no barriers for him anymore and he wanted to marry me. ‘Yes’ was on the tip of my tongue, but still I just couldn’t. Like someone desperate to sign a loan contract but who knows the interest rate in the fine print is too high – I just couldn’t bring myself to sign on the dotted line. And I felt my Father tell me, after months of impatience, desperation and thought: ‘With you I am well pleased, you have passed.’
The next day Habi told me he was no longer Muslim.
Rest to follow.. ‘ Part 2: Walking Across the Field’
So that said, I ask my Muslim friends to extend the same courtesy and remember the words of the Qu’ran: Sura Al Baqara (2:256) ‘la ikra fi deen’ – ‘there is no compulsion in religion’
God’s Miracle: Part 1 The Love Story
This has been in many ways the most amazing two weeks of my life.
This is a love story, a story of miracles and God. Let me explain.
S. (let’s call him ‘Habi’ as S is too short) has been a good friend for around three years – we were all part of the same ‘group.’ Habi is from one of the gulf countries and is studying here. He is from a religious but not conservative family.
Habi and I have always been able to have great conversation. Despite often not seeing one another for months conversations were always natural, comfortable and long. Last year we became closer and closer until we couldn’t pass the day without talking. He was my best friend – if anything happened, good or bad, he was the first one I wanted to tell.
Long story short, last year, on November 8 everything came to a head. My two close girlfriends had been telling me for weeks that it was clear we both had feelings for each other. I said we were just close and that we provided each other with the companionship of a couple, but without the romantic or sexual counterpart. I knew Habi had ‘liked’ me and we had kissed years ago – but since then I stopped dating, as did he. Then on November 8, when he told me he loved me and asked if we had any future together I told him I could not marry a Muslim. Even as I firmly told him we had no future I felt my heartbreaking. Even as he swallowed hard and told me whatever I decided was fine and he would always be my friend, loving me until a wonderful Christian guy came along for me, it felt so wrong. I realised then that I loved him.
For the next few days I grappled with my misgivings. The bible is clear about being unevenly yoked!
He also didn’t match the image I had of the sort of man I imagined marrying. Yet I realised he was perfect – as if he was tailor-made for me.
Despite having had two long term relationships I had never been in love. In almost three years with my ex I had never told him I loved him. Although I am quite an emotional person I never agreed with people who declared their love in every the relationship – to me this sort of fickle, easy love was cheap. It the enduring, consuming love I wanted – and for me this love was completed by giving your life, soul, mind and future over to that person.
After some time and much prayer and studying what it means to be “unequally yoked” I still didn’t feel this was an ultimatum saying “Well if he’s not Christian then forget about it.” In fact I saw it more as a matter of God sanctioning the union. I clearly felt he was telling me “wait.” So I waited for God’s answer.. and prayed and cried. What a mix of emotions and thoughts. I clearly felt I should ‘wait’ but at the same time I didn’t want to wait for something that would never come. I was also worried I could end up deluding myself, ignoring God and convincing myself that he would change or that our marriage was right. I was scared of putting Habi before God – the story of Abraham and Isaac took on new meaning. More than anything I prayed I would have the strength to give up S. if was clear that us marrying would be disobedient to God. I knew a marriage that occurred out of disobedience to God would not be blessed by Him. As time passed we had discussions about religion now and then – he even went to Arabic church with me and met a Saudi Christian family I know.
Sometimes he would make a comment which gave me so much hope and other times I felt he was no closer.
A lot went on in this time but I’ll skip ahead to Saturday the 19th of May.
It also started with a Saudi man our age who had recently become Christian. He was staying with the Saudi family I know and my family invited them all to dinner Saturday night. I wanted Habi to meet him because the Saudi guy (H) had similar views to Habi before he became Christian. They were coming for dinner on Saturday. Sunday is H’s baptism but Habi is not coming because it is ‘too much.’
Saturday 29th May – Habi is sick all day and says he probably can’t make it. He’s sounds awful. I’m disappointed and pray he will be able to make it. Dinner is fantastic and after our guests leave I quickly change and head out to my friend’s birthday party. Habi’s flatmates are there and I bring left over pudding for them. I decide to drop in on Habi on the way home. He is really crook and clearly upset. He tells me his mum, whom he adores, rang today and (correctly) guessed he is sick because he smokes cigarettes. In their culture things like this are always kept from the parents out of respect and his mother was very upset. He feels really wretched and low and tells me he is giving up. We talk about religion and I tell him how Jesus promises to give us rest from our heavy burdens. We talk a little more and then he goes to sleep.
Sunday 30th May – Habi tells me in the morning that he has made his decision: As far as he’s concerned he doesn’t care if I’m not Muslim. He tells me he wants to get married so now it is up to me. I am sooooo tempted to just say “yes” especially if he doesn’t mind the children not being Muslim but I tell him I can’t give an answer yet, which he says is fine. I am about to leave for H.’s baptism when Habi shows signs of considering coming too. I realise that if he had come to dinner (like I prayed for) he would not have attended the baptism. He asks what it will be like and insists that he has no plans of leaving Islam, and attending a baptism should not be construed as such. I assure him it will be low key and easy.
How wrong I was.
The baptism is held at a church over 30 minutes drive from Habi’s house (over an hour from my house) and we meet my mum and brother there. H and the Saudi family are there. They tell us the baptism will be held about two hours late. It seems an entire church service is being held, not just a baptismal service – it starts soon after and there is a joyous atmosphere. Moreover I feel completely at ease singing hymns and worshipping next to my Habi, who is also comfortable. However an hour and a half later the baptism has still not begun. It seems the hold-up is related to a special guest, a visiting pastor who is running late. Habi begins to feel unwell and is fatigued. My mum has to leave, as it will take an hour to get home and she has to visit her sick aunt on the way home. My youngest brother has exams tomorrow and she also needs to help him revise. She had gone to church in the morning then left straight away to make the baptism (which she ended up missing) and even then only got home at 5 or 6 at night. I tell Habi we’ll wait 15 more minutes and if the baptism has not started we will leave. 25 minutes later we have no choice but to go. The Saudi family beg us to stay but I tell the father GK, firmly, that Habi has had enough! (And to be honest so have I.)
We get home where S. visibly relaxes. He tells me that the Arabic church (who was holding the baptism) was just the same as going to Mosque. In fact the whole experience reaffirms to him that Christianity and Islam are the same. I feel terrible. I give him an Arabic bible I procured.
I drive home feeling horrible and start crying as I walk in the door. I am at a loss – why is it that this wonderful opportunity has turned into a disaster? Instead of being a witness to Habi, it has driven him further away, if anything. This is the second time I have brought Habi to church and things have ‘gone wrong.’ Furthermore it seemed like God had deliberately organised things so that Habi would come to the baptism. I ask God what is it he wants me to do? I feel he is pressing me to do something, but what? I cry out to God to share His plans with me, to show me what to do. My mum has had the same feeling all day – she decided to attend the baptism, driving an hour there and back, to show her support for H. And then didn’t even get to see him baptised! On top of that her aunt was not able to take visitors and my brother had been panicking all day and not done any productive study. Despite this she tells me that sometimes when it seems everything has gone wrong, God is still working – and one person will get something out of it, even if we are unable to see it.
Tuesday 1st June – I go over in morning. When I arrive Habi is in bed and I notice the Arabic bible I gave him is beside him in bed. I have brought my English/Arabic Qu’ran. I’m not sure why, I just felt like bringing it. I point out verses which say it is halal (permissible) for men to have sex with those their right hand possesses (slaves). Habi is shocked – he studies the Arabic and is very quiet. We discuss having four wives. Habi has always felt this is wrong. I point out the fact that Muslim apologists often highlight: In the days of Islam many men had many wives and Islams allowance of four was a limitation rather than license to go out and take more. In this sense it was a good thing. However the Qu’ran itself admits that one wife is the perfect standard. Four wives is an admirable standard for that period and for imperfect human nature. However it is also a compromise between God’s perfect standard and men’s imperfection. We also discuss “eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” Forgiveness is admirable in Islam – but not mandatory or even expected. In fact Islamic law is based on the assumption of ‘eye for an eye’. Again, this is not the standard of a perfect, holy God but the standard of imperfect, flawed men. And yet the Qu’ran is said to be God’s word.
We let the conversation drop and we both study for exams in separate rooms. I see him fetch the Quran from his bedroom later and say nothing. When I bring him juice in the study room I see he is watching a video on youtube entitled ‘Contradictions in the Qu’ran.’ He is also watching debates between Muslim and Christian scholars. Later he talks to me about ‘making a choice’ and rambles somewhat. He is clearly in conflict. He says ‘it hurts’ and talks about ‘the people’ being wrong. I realise he is beginning to consider the possibility that Islam might be wrong and the consequence is that all the people following Islam (including himself and everyone he has every known) are mistaken. I understand this internal conflict and anguish – I too went through the same thing. My heart goes out to him. I know at this stage he wants to do his own private study and doesn’t want attention. He doesn’t want to be either discouraged or encouraged – he just wants space to be objective without influence. I felt the same when I was in his position so on the most part we don’t talk about it.
Wednesday 2nd June- We study together again. Like yesterday he watches videos and debates, but this time in front of me, and more openly. We discuss what we watch and various religious issues. He is coming out of his shell a little and talking to me more openly. He is still rambling a little – saying phrases and thoughts that are racing through his head. Luckily as I know him so well and I had a similar experience I can follow what he is thinking. He talks about two ‘options’ (Christianity and Islam). He says one is ‘lazy’ but the other option ‘you don’tanything to deserve it, but it seems right.’ He is talking about law being a cop-out, replacing a real relationship with God and Christ’s salvation being so undeserved, respectively.
Thursday 3rd June– He looks distant and I ask him what he is thinking. I am flabbergasted when he says he is wondering what he would change his (surname) to if he became Christian. I don’t show the excitement and shock that is charging through me. I play it cool as we discuss alternatives. Later that day I ask him if he is looking into religion and considering Christianity for me. He tells me firmly, that this is for him and for God. That God and the truth are more important than anything. I am satisfied. He has an exam the next day and Mum and I pray for him that night, that he will do well on his exams, but also that he will have an experience with God.
Friday 4th June – Habi has an exam in the morning. He feels confident but is not prepared for the next one, which is at midday. He rings me after the first and tells me he is trying to cram for the second (in a couple of hours) and it just isn’t working. That evening (after exams) he messages me and says he is having a beer with the boys. I feel uncomfortable with him drinking as I worry it may distract him o interfere with his search for God. I still don’t know how his second exam went, he hasn’t mentioned it. Later that night he tells me that just before the second exam he prayed in Jesus’ name. I am shocked. He says not only did he do well, he knew answers he didn’t even remember studying. Most amazing, he felt God’s presence in a way he never had and this presence was with him all day. He is amazed that even when he drank alcohol this feeling never left.
I am reminded once more, how much cleverer than us God is and how we humans are such know-it-alls. Here I am thinking, ‘I wish he wouldn’t drink - what if this takes him further than God.’ Instead God used it to teach him something. Habi felt ashamed about drinking – in Islam it renders the person unclean and they are unable to pray for 40 days after drinking. Yet drinking alcohol (or being drunk in Christian doctrine) is just one of many sins – why does this particular sin render us unclean, while others do not? Jesus taught that it is not what enters the body that makes one unclean, but what comes out of the heart. Lies, deceit, greed, avarice, anger, gossip – all the sins we commit on a daily basis, all render us unclean before God.
Habi is a real paradox – one of the most ‘moral’ people I know in his sense of justice and treatment of people but a ‘bad’ Muslim in the sense of Muslim observance. And yet his failure to live up Islam was a constant source of shame to him. Feeling so shamed and lowly he would then shy from God because he felt so unworthy. It is a vicious circle. God used this opportunity to show him that a personal relationship (through Jesus’ sacrifice) with God bridges our sinfulness and uncleanness. God never leaves us nor are we barred from His presence.
I ask Habi if, as a Muslim, he felt guilty, ashamed or worried when he prayed in Jesus’ name. For a Muslim this is blasphemy and very very very serious. Every day of Habi’s life had taught him this was wrong. Yet he simply tells me, ‘It felt right. It felt natural.’
Saturday 5th June– He does to his friend M’s house (from the gulf) at night with his friends K and T. They are all Muslims. Another friend innocently asks him how his religious studies are going (unaware he is questioning Islam) and tells him he will ‘find the right path insha’allah.’ This is odd, as habi has taken great pains to ensure no one knows he is questioning Islam. This comment, made in passing, arouses the curiosity of M. M and Habi have a private conversation for some time, and Habi ends up admitting he thinks Islam may be flawed. This is a big and somewhat dangerous admission. M sits back and tells him, “Good Morning.” Habi is confused and asks what he means. M smiles and tells him, ‘Welcome to the truth. I have known for years that Islam is not true.” M shows him the same problems in Islam that GK and the Saudis had discussed with him and even further examples. M knows a lot about Islam and has been studying religion for years. For almost ten years, through his own independent study he has concluded that Islam is not right. He believes in God but is still searching. Habi is amazed that one of his closest friends has been going through the same thing he has. As they sit talking, Habi’s very good friend T sits with them and demands they include him in the conversation. They do and ANOTHER SHOCK he admits he is also disillusioned and secretly disbelieving. He tells them he once tried to tell his parents back home about his doubts and their angry reaction and demands that he never raise the subject again had led him to believe he could never tell anyone. Habi and T go to his house to continue the conversation and K joins them. K identifies as Muslim but openly admits he isn’t one. He is not religious at all and says he hates religion and says he believes there is a God/Power upstairs and that is it. So when he walks in on the obviously serious conversation, Habi shrugs him off and tells him he wouldn’t be interested, assuming K will simply make jokes and disparage religion. Surprisingly K demands he be allowed to stay and says he is always interested to learn about God. So here they stay until 5 or 6 am – three Muslim boys, lost and desperately seeking the truth. Habi earnestly tells T to read the bible.
Sunday 6th June – Saturday’s events are relayed to me on Sunday after church and I am flabbergasted. When I start crying Habi is confused, until I explain they are tears of joy and compassion for these darling boys who are struggling to find God and peace. T had been in tears the night before when he spoke to Habi. It blows my mind that three such close friends (discounting K) were all secretly coming to the same conclusion and feelings, each feeling totally alone, unaware that their brothers were in the same boat. Habi tells me that he feels Satan, God and himself are locked in a struggle in his chest– and while he feels conflicted, he knows that soon it will be only God and himself. He tells me that love is the most important thing and that everyone looks different when you love them. He was also telling this to the boys last night. I am awestruck by the wisdom and sincerity of his words and the way in which he is leading the other boys.
Mum and I pray for them all and their individual needs and particularly for T, who is a dear friend, and more anxious and fearful than the others. I pray that T will have the courage and understanding to accept the truth that deep down, he is not a Muslim, even if he only admits it to himself.
Ten minutes later I ring Habi and T is with him. T asks to speak with me and questions me on various things and then tells me ‘Islam is bad. It’s not right.’ What an answer to prayer.
T also asks how it feels to know/hear/feel God. How do we know when God is telling us something/interacting with us. Habi quietly says afterward that only someone who has never felt this would ask. Habi has also been telling T that Christianity is good, although he is still a Muslim. That night Habi tells me that the first chapter of Matthew is amazing – the detailed chronological family tree of Jesus is far superior to the lists of prophets in the Quran. He is amazed that the Quran, which is supposed to be superior and complete, has gaping holes and far less detail and information than the bible.
Once again I am humbled by God’s wisdom. When I first gave the Arabic bible to Habi I first thought where I should advise him to start.... Some Christians advise Luke is the perfect starting point for someone with no knowledge of the Bible, some ex-muslims advised that John perfectly highlighted and explained Jesus’ key precepts. And while I considered consulting people on this I decided I would simply tell him to start at the beginning of the New Testament. By Sunday he had read the first page three times – once alone, once with T and again by himself. I was a little concerned that this dry, boring start would put him off. After all, a long list of names hardly showed what the Bible and Jesus were all about. And yet this long-winded, stuffy chapter had illustrated the Bible’s historical accuracy, information and status as the Word of God.
That night as I barely allow myself to consider the possibility of Habi becoming a Christian (I have been acting entirely nonchalant and playing it cool) and catch a glimpse of the happiness that could be ours, I become a little disappointed: If Habi becomes Christian I will never know whether or not I had the power to ‘break up’ with him had God asked me to. Ever curious I want to know; Like Abraham would I have been able to put God first?
The God gently told me, ‘You have already passed this test.’ I passed it every time I cried in prayer because I was scared I would put Habi first. I passed it every time I prayed for God’s will to be done, not mine. I passed it every time I thought, ‘It will be alright, it is ok for us to marry’ or ‘I feel God has sanctioned this’ and then heard the quiet ‘No, wait’ in my head and obeyed. I passed it the day Habi told me there were no barriers for him anymore and he wanted to marry me. ‘Yes’ was on the tip of my tongue, but still I just couldn’t. Like someone desperate to sign a loan contract but who knows the interest rate in the fine print is too high – I just couldn’t bring myself to sign on the dotted line. And I felt my Father tell me, after months of impatience, desperation and thought: ‘With you I am well pleased, you have passed.’
The next day Habi told me he was no longer Muslim.
Rest to follow.. ‘ Part 2: Walking Across the Field’
3 comments:
Wow, what a fascinating story! It's amazing how God reveals Himself to people. I'm eager to read more. :) So happy for you!
Wow. Just...wow. That is beautiful. May God bless you both.
Thanks Susanne and LK! :) Blessings and peace be with you both!
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